He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
