she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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