I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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