i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
