i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
