I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
