Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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