Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
