I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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