I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
