Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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