Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
