I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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