Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
