Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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