Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
