two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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