why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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