dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
