I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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