Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
