Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
