I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
