I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
