Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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