We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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