the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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