this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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