wrigley field is MILF paradise
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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