I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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