dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
