i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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