Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
