Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
