btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The adults are the big ones right?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
