even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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