You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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