she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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