I've blown a few things in my day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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