I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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