She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
