I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
