I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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