There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
