My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
