I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
