He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
