Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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