I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
