Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
3 2 1 whiskey
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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