WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
