Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
