gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
