Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
