last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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