um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
