she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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