I hate your face
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
