ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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