you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
