I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
