dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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