he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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