Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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